Further Instructions

Originally written May 21, 2008

After everything we have been through together, the enviable thrills we bring to each other, and the inevitable agony that we put each other through, having made it to this point of our lives, can you say that I am better off now for what has happened before?

My rehabilitation began four years ago when the opportunity presented itself to become a political mastermind in my own right. Those that were not present during that period tend to overlook these stories of plotting and manipulation as nothing more than the red state ideas that they despise anyways. But those that stood by me and those that fought against me, one in the same in many ways, something appeared by the likes of which they had never seen before. For two years I built upon a legacy; aspiring politicians and do-gooders alike were dejected and removed from the scene as I became one of the most loved and hated politicos among my peers across the country. I simply did not care. My time in politics was never going to find its way to a resume, I did not need the connections one would make, I would not play the game on anyone’s terms but my own.

Long ago my father and I sat together watching The Natural and in it a lesson passed on from one generation to another: Never let them see you coming.

Trouble had come to me in waves, and it would find me time and again. I wanted to prove myself in Hong Kong. I wanted to lay to rest any doubts that you once had. That there was no limit, no suffering, no end to it all. Forever and ever we would remain who we are and who we were supposed to be, finding ourselves the lead in one outlandish story after another, never taking the time to wonder why these things only seemed to happen to me. Not everyone has the opportunity to start over, but we made the most of our opportunity. If we were trying to escape from ourselves, we found no solace abroad. In the end it wasn’t where we were that presented the challenge we know today, it’s who we are and who were meant to me.

But when the bottom drops out and all we are left with are the memories and ghosts of days of long past, of that passion and lust, the greed and envy, when all those emotions are all you have left, the days just never seem to end. So much of our lives have been wasted reflecting on other moments in time, and never was there the chance to live that life once more. Had I lost that election I would have almost certainly learned humility, and maybe, just maybe, I would have been able to deal with the world upon my return. Had I not tried to be the hero, had I not tried to bring the life of the Lan Kwai Fong gweilo back to the States, perhaps then I would have found my way back home again.

There was never a choice for us. We were who we were meant to be. Had you told me one year ago that for the next eight months of your life you would be lost in the wind once again, without a direction or purpose, but that at the end of your sentence you would find the life you always knew was meant for you, then by all means, enjoy the last of the salad days. If I had known this was the inevitable result, I would have thrown caution against the wind once again, and brought to life the dreams we had together on the dark side of the moon. But there were no assurances. For all I knew those three years of law school and everything I had done to survive in China, none of it was going to matter in the end. There was something unsettling and dangerous brewing inside of me, and there was no telling what a man past his breaking point was capable of.

It was not our time to live with the ghosts. Although those eight months left me for dead, while everything may have appeared to have been lost, there was still no quit in me, and I’ve never run away from a fight. In our finest moment together, it took everything I had to pull out the miracle among us now, and save the world one more time.

Some might believe this journey was supposed to teach me that humility of long ago; of concessions made to bring me back from the dead. Do you have any idea who I am?

There are no lessons to be learned from these trials present. There is no deeper understanding to be gained from any of this. Should I die tomorrow I leave this world alive with no regrets on that day then.