Reckless Indifference

Originally written July 12, 2008

You’ve been here all along. You know the stories before they can be told. Your presence left to my reimaging of our lives together. Traveling the world over with me, one grand illusion after another.

How we find ourselves in the most unlikely adventures of heroes and villains, mischief and debauchery, our imagination and reality colliding before us. There are wins and there are losses and never in between shall the two meet again.

You were invited to ride along in our adventures, to share in the experiences you could never imagine. These were my stories; moments finding me at our most illustrious and memorable. And all the while you judged us. But that unbridled passion washing over our stories lured you back here, escaping in the thought that if this is something that does happen, what makes him so damn special. This was not an exit for you.

Perhaps the religious perspective so many of our stories find themselves entrenched in is not by mere coincidence. I believe there is more than an ethereal effect to the blessing ways and excommunications for which our stories foretold. I believe that in those early days karma was indeed justice without the satisfaction, and karma, she continues to hold us accountable.

The scope of our world has diminished significantly since The Show Must Go On. You can’t live anymore without the drama, without that intensity that burns bright. There must be some kind of way out of here. For in those moments where we once found ourselves pushing the limits of decency and humanity, I now find myself disinterested in totality without a challenge, without a fight to overcome. If Hong Kong was supposed to be the final test to see all that I can accomplish, to put myself into the most unimaginable situation where failure should have been the only option, after I proved myself wrong, I fear that I may have peaked in that which was inconceivable far too soon. I feel nothing of that what once defined me. Passion, lust, greed. Replaced with consistency and quiet reliability. There is no deeper knowledge to be gained, the meaning has been lost on us all. My confession has meant nothing, as I wait patiently for that day then.