I Will Find A Way

Originally written January 30, 2006

Just before dawn I gather my senses together and head out to the back porch. From my vantage point three stories above, I should be able to see out across the western valley and into the rolling hills. I should see the scattered forests surrounded by farmland and a lake no more than a mile away. On a clear in Kansas you can see the world from your doorstep, the past, present and future all in front you.

On this morning though, the fog is rolling in across the valley. A light mist hangs still in the air.

In this ethereal state, lost in the clouds we would come know so well, I sense his presence long before he makes a sound. A spark of fire catches my attention out of the corner of my eye. He takes long deliberate drag off his cigarette, holding the smoke in for what seems like an eternity. Another breath and the smoke dances out towards the valley. The fog grows denser. Long ago there was an idea of a demon, something abstract, something illusory. Our imagination became a reality, haunting us through those early days of our break. Tossing his cigarette over the ledge, he turns his attention towards my direction, his hand floating across the railing I had been leaning against. As if he was speaking to himself...

The Leprechaun: You know I do not take pleasure in coming out here in person, so to speak.
Jay: (quietly) Not like its ever stopped you before.
The Leprechaun: We are still waiting for your answer.
Jay: I can’t do this anymore.
The Leprechaun: (distant/indifferent) I was first struck by the absence of time, having depended on it so completely as a measure of my self and my life; moving backwards into the perpetual night it consumes purpose, indeed, all passion and will.
Jay: ....
The Leprechaun: In my dream, I am everything a person could want. Everything that counts for anything in life I have it. But the dream ends the same way every time. I lose it all.
Jay: You are nothing more than a figment of my imagination. You do not exist.
The Leprechaun: There are more worlds than the one you can hold in your hand.

I try to ignore him. I focus on one point in the lake and concentrate, this cannot be happening, I am still in bed, dreaming...

The Leprechaun: You've been at the wheel too long. Would you like me to drive?
Jay: I might if you let me know where we're going.
The Leprechaun: Knowing that, you'd feel comfortable? You'd trust me? How long did it take for them to win your trust?
Jay: I don't think you can know. How many different lives would we be leading if we made different choices. Or was I suppose to end up here with you.
The Leprechaun: This is not where you end up. But remember this going forward, in your trials ahead. What if there was only one choice and all the other ones were wrong? And there were signs along the way to pay attention to.
Jay: I have nothing left to prove to you. I made my choice. I have to find a way to deal with them, to keep them...
The Leprechaun: The fiercest enemy is the man who has nothing left to lose. I take great pride in knowing you're not too far from there.

This is my life. Every decision I have made has led to this point, and I am solely responsible for this mess.

Jay: (grabbing the leprechaun, holding his neck over the porch railing) I want you to do me a favor; it's not negotiable. Either you do it, or I promise I will kill you. Do you understand?
The Leprechaun: Treachery is the inevitable result of all affairs. Every man believes he has his own good reason...
Jay: This ends here.
The Leprechaun: Every problem has a solution.